She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away..... So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."

The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement "with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe. "Europe madam," said the captain "This is the Staten Island Ferry, "

A few days later the guy is feeling horny and decides to give the hole in the barrel a try. It is the best sex he has ever had. The following day he is talking with his supervisor and tells him that the hole in the barrel was great. "It's so good I'm going to use it every day," he exclaimed.

"Every day but Thursday," replied the supervisor.

"What's wrong with Thursday?"

"Thursday is your day in the barrel."

Willem and Frank are killed in a plane wreck.

When they arrive in Hell, the devil greets them and takes them to 2 cotteges on a lake.

The devil takes Willem to the first cottege, opens the door, and there's Pam Lee waiting in bed. Willem runs in.

Then the devil takes Frank to the second cottege, opens the door, and Rosanne Barr is waiting in bed!

Frank turns to the Devil and says "hey, what's the deal?"

The devil says "You're in hell, that's your punishment!"

Frank says "But what about Willem, he got Pam?"

The Devil says "Oh, that's Pam's punishment"

(All resembance to actual persons just coincidental)

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that in here," the priest says.

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He tells her, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."

So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd have ironed the damn thing."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance she explained that she was recently divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked. The woman answered scornfully, "I hardly think an amphibian would be a suitable companion!" "Ah," replied the salesman leering...."but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to perform oral sex upon women."

At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself and arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting her thighs she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated! The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming her former position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?" she asked petulantly. "Yes, I do" said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now I'm only going to show you this one more time!"

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, George, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores ... same old faces. Hi George!"

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."

Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.

"I bet" she stated.

"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"

"No," she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square".

The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK.

There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.

The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine.

The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says: "You."